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  #21  
Old 02-21-2010, 05:21 PM
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ishmael ishmael is offline
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Mig 29 what do Benzentines and crusadors have in common? Both defeated by an Arab army!
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  #22  
Old 02-21-2010, 09:22 PM
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Default Italians-gotta luv em

How do you describe an Italian without arms?



Speech impaired!!
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  #23  
Old 02-21-2010, 09:28 PM
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Default Rural Church

A pastor held a fund drive to repaint the church. The fund was exhausted buying the paint.
After working all day, the congregation spied a large unpainted spot on the back of the steeple. There was only 1/2 can of paint left, to which the pastor added some thinner to complete the job.
A huge thunder and hail storm suddenly appeared and washed all the fresh paint off the church.
From the sky boomed the words "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!!"
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  #24  
Old 02-21-2010, 09:37 PM
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Default Jewish Zen

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
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  #25  
Old 02-21-2010, 09:39 PM
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Default Jewish Zen

If we are to treat others as ourself, and there is no self.......
Then we are off the hook

Last edited by TwoStrike; 02-21-2010 at 09:40 PM.. Reason: misspelling
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  #26  
Old 02-22-2010, 01:50 PM
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Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?'
Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #27  
Old 02-22-2010, 04:57 PM
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IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy? Yes, Father, it is.
And, who was the woman you were with?
I canít be telliní you, Father. I donít want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Timmy, Iím sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda OíMalley?
I cannot say.
Was it Patricia Kelly?
Iíll never tell.
Was it Sheilah OíBrien?
Iím sorry, but I cannot name her.
Was it Kathleen Morgan?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Fiona Grogan, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. Youíre a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But youíve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now.
Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
Whatíd you get?
Three monthís vacation and five good leads!
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  #28  
Old 02-22-2010, 05:30 PM
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Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side
either."
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  #29  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:02 PM
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Default Poem

Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I
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  #30  
Old 02-23-2010, 06:31 AM
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Default Texas teacher's fun day at kindergarden

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!








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  #31  
Old 02-23-2010, 01:10 PM
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a kindergarten teacher was teaching English to her children one day and asked the class to give her examples of a sentence with the word 'charming' in it. 3 children duly raise their hands, Rosie, Judy and johnny. Now Johnny was a very naughty boy and there was no way that the teacher was going to ask him to give a sentence with the word 'charming' in it. So teacher asks Rosie first

Rosie ' Miss, my family watched a film last night and it was romantic and charming'

teacher 'well done Rosie, thats was very good'

next she asks Judy

Judy ' miss, my father brought some flowers home last night for my mother's birthday and they went out for a meal. when they came back my mum said that they had a wonderful and charming evening.'

teacher ' oh well done Judy, excellent'

the teacher looks around and asks the class again for answers but this time only Johnny puts up his hand and so exasperated the teacher says 'ok Johnny, surprise me'


Johnny 'Miss,Miss, I know a sentence with charming in it twice!!'

teacher sighs and says 'oh go on then, seems as no-one else wants to contibute'

Johnny smiles and takes a deep breath 'last night my big sister who's 16 came home and told our dad that she was pregnant. And my dad said-charming, absolutely F*cking charming!!'
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #32  
Old 02-23-2010, 09:05 PM
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The Italians are not the Romans. That was almost 2k years ago. They were either killed,dispersed thru the rest of the world, or as in most cases, cross bred with others and lost their great drive. You also have Frenchies mixed in as they controled most of Italy in the 17th and 18th centuries.
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  #33  
Old 02-23-2010, 11:46 PM
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Two married buddies are talking about their mothers-in-law.
"Guess what, my mother-in-law finally reached her ideal weight!"
"Oh? What does she weigh now?"
"3.2 Kilo including the urn."

Most of my other jokes are 18+
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  #34  
Old 02-24-2010, 07:15 PM
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One day during the 60`s Moshe Dayan was speeding down the road in a jeep
he was promptly pulled over by the mp`s seeing it was the head of the Army the young mp quickly apologised and offered the Krav Aluf to be going.
"nonsence" said Dayan you will do your job and prosecute me.
At the trial the judge asked Dayan for an explanation as to why he was doing 100kph in a 60 zone.
Well Moshe stood up and said do you want me to watch the speedo or the road.
He was aqquited
true story
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  #35  
Old 02-26-2010, 06:27 PM
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Default King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life..
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
=================
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is ...If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly!
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  #36  
Old 02-26-2010, 06:34 PM
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Default Relativity

Said Einstein: I have an equation
which all will think Rabelasian
let P be virginity, approaching infinity,
and U be a constant, persuasion.

Now if P over U be inverted
and the square root of U be inserted
X times over P,
the result, QED,
is a relative, Einstein asserted.
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  #37  
Old 02-26-2010, 08:31 PM
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........


(You're going to love this...............................)










.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
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It is absolutely true in war, were other things equal, that numbers, whether men, shells, bombs, etc, would be supreme. Yet it is also absolutely true that other things are never equal and can never be equal - Maj.Gen. J. F. C. Fuller

At that time, I will search out and destroy all of the nations who have come against Jerusalem - Zechariah 12:9
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  #38  
Old 02-26-2010, 09:16 PM
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Default Peace in Canada

In old Quebec, the english and the french were at each others throats all the time. the church decided to intervene, and promoted a local friar who was an indian native called Pere Squeg.

The good father immediately set to work. He established a performance troupe, and had the french makling costumes and the english the props. He himself took lead roles in all the productions to encourage the troupers.

After months of rehearsals, productions began and they were an immediate success. there was even a crown command performance, at which the queen herself gave congratulations to the community for their wonderful new spirit of cooperation.

After a time, recognition-hungry troupe members demanded that they be permitted to perform in the heroic lead roles.

Pere Squeg agreed, and since the next performance was to be "the hound of the baskervilles" he told everyone he would play the role of the hound, only.

This opened to a full house, but after two days, there was no longer anyone who came to the theater.


The moral?




You cannot put a pere squeg in a hound role.
hehe
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  #39  
Old 02-28-2010, 01:53 PM
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A little boy once returned home from Hebrew lessons and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
The little boy answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
"How did Moses lead them out?" asked the father.
The boy replied and said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah Up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When they got there, he had the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shcked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replyed, "no, but you would never believe the story is DID."
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"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein

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  #40  
Old 02-28-2010, 03:44 PM
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Jimmy Carter went to visit the Pope and while there asked the Pope a question on religion. The Pope said he would have to make a phone call but Jimmy Carter would have to pay for it.

The Pope made a ten minute call and told Carter that the cost was ten thousand dollars. When Carter protested the pope said that it was a very long distance call he had to call heaven.

Jimmy Carter's next stop was Israel and he asked Rabin the same question. Rabin said he would have to make a phone call. Jimmy Carter said no problem I will pay for it.

Well Rabin was on the phone for and hour and a half and Jimmy Carter started getting nervous. Jimmy thought this call is going to cost me a million dollars.

When Rabin got off of the phone he gave Jimmy Carter the answer.

When Jimmy Carter asked Rabin how much was the phone call, Rabin replied, never mind it was a LOCAL call.
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