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  #1021  
Old 08-16-2012, 11:05 PM
WABA WABA is offline
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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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  #1022  
Old 08-17-2012, 06:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WABA View Post
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
hahahaha!! that is sooo funny!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1023  
Old 08-18-2012, 09:34 PM
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JnJ drunkenly staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still JnJ says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.

Finally JnJ replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no bog roll in this one either"
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1024  
Old 08-20-2012, 07:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
JnJ drunkenly staggers into a catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still JnJ says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final atempt to get the man to speak.

Finally JnJ replies - "No use knockin' mate - there's no bog roll in this one either"
i should have used his priestly robe!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1025  
Old 08-21-2012, 10:51 AM
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1026  
Old 08-23-2012, 07:10 AM
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Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1027  
Old 08-23-2012, 07:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
that explains a lot
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1028  
Old 08-23-2012, 07:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
So true!
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  #1029  
Old 08-24-2012, 01:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
Rolflmao! Sharing this joke with your wife, might get you a bad attitude all night also haha!
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No extreme is good. Neither in religion, nor in science.

"If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence.. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel."
~ Golda Meir~


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  #1030  
Old 08-25-2012, 11:31 AM
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she prefers the dog to me anyway! it would be me that gets locked in the garage :D
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1031  
Old 08-30-2012, 09:29 AM
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__________________
The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1032  
Old 08-30-2012, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
__________________
Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1033  
Old 09-06-2012, 03:20 AM
WABA WABA is offline
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As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.


I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.



Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.



As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,


'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned ...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?


'No,' I replied.



'Write it down,' explains the 11 year old Eric, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down:

ID10T


I used to like Eric, the little s--- head.



















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  #1034  
Old 09-06-2012, 07:02 AM
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yeah i recently had this kind of thing with my PC...................and i'm not that old
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1035  
Old 09-06-2012, 07:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
...................and i'm not that old
Good going, you just keep telling yourself that, bud.
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1036  
Old 09-06-2012, 10:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
Good going, you just keep telling yourself that, bud.
you, sir, are cheeky!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1037  
Old 09-14-2012, 10:57 PM
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Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga, who had just joined the Australian Army, to Mum and Dad..

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot-ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter, Sheila
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  #1038  
Old 09-17-2012, 07:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WABA View Post
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga, who had just joined the Australian Army, to Mum and Dad..

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot-ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter, Sheila
that is brilliant!!!! i'd love to meet her!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1039  
Old 09-18-2012, 12:45 AM
WABA WABA is offline
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To all friends of a certain age !!





"This may be us someday, or maybe we are already there!"

Best speeding excuse ever!

When asked by a young patrol officer

"Do You know you were speeding?"

This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated :
"Yes , but ..... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Makes perfectly good sense to me.









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  #1040  
Old 09-18-2012, 12:50 AM
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TrueStory!
Justbecausesomeonedoesn'tloveyouthewayyouwantthemtodoesn'tmeantheydon'tloveyouwithalltheyhave.
RalphandEdnawerebothpatientsinamentalhospital.OnedaywhiletheywerewalkingpastthehospitalswimmingpoolRalphsuddenlyjumpedintothedeepend.
Hesanktothebottomofthepoolandstayedthere.
Ednapromptlyjumpedintosavehim.Sheswamtothebottomandpulledhimout.WhentheNursingDirectorbecameawareofEdna'sheroicactsheimmediatelyorderedhertobedischargedfromthehospital,asshenowconsideredhertobementallystable.
WhenshewenttotellEdnathenewsshesaid,
'Edna,Ihavegoodnewsandbadnews.Thegoodnewsisyou'rebeingdischarged,sinceyouwereabletorationallyrespondtoacrisisbyjumpinginandsavingthelifeofthepersonyoulove.Ihaveconcludedthatyouractdisplayssoundmindedness.
Thebadnewsis,Ralphhangedhimselfinthebathroomwithhisbathrobebeltrightafteryousavedhim.Iamsosorry,buthe'sdead.'
Ednareplied,'Hedidn'thanghimself,Iputhimtheretodry.HowsooncanIgohome?'
HappyMentalHealthDay!
Youcandoyourbitbysendingthisemailtoanunstablefriend.
Donemypart
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