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  #1641  
Old 10-02-2015, 07:06 AM
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit's still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!!..
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1642  
Old 10-03-2015, 06:57 AM
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http://thefederalistpapers.integrate...ferences_2.jpg
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  #1643  
Old 10-03-2015, 07:04 AM
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http://dailypastime.com/wp-content/u...s-putin-10.jpg
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  #1644  
Old 10-06-2015, 07:25 AM
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blo*dy awesome!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1645  
Old 10-06-2015, 07:26 AM
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OB is a pathetic excuse for a person
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1646  
Old 11-06-2015, 02:26 PM
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a wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1647  
Old 11-06-2015, 02:27 PM
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a roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "five beers please"
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1648  
Old 11-06-2015, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
a wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Hah, that's brilliant!
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
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Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1649  
Old 11-06-2015, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
a roman centurion walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says, "five beers please"
Good one

Its all so PC and multicultural these days, a Brit, an Israeli, an Aussie and Indian went to that pub but the doorman said.............no admittance without a Thai
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1650  
Old 11-12-2015, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
Good one

Its all so PC and multicultural these days, a Brit, an Israeli, an Aussie and Indian went to that pub but the doorman said.............no admittance without a Thai
nice one!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1651  
Old 12-09-2015, 08:04 AM
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"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the **** out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the **** out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1652  
Old 12-09-2015, 11:52 AM
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Heh, I'v heard that one but its still funny.
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1653  
Old 12-09-2015, 12:00 PM
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The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.
She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?
The Armyman says, Id reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!
The Navy guy says, Id reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !
The airman says, Id reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask..
Who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1654  
Old 12-09-2015, 12:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
The Queen is inspecting 3 armed forces personnel, 1 from each of her fighting forces.
She asks each one what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent on operations?
The Armyman says, Id reach over, grab my bayonet and stab it to death!
The Navy guy says, Id reach over, grab my boot and batter it to death !
The airman says, Id reach over, pick up my phone, call reception and ask..
Who the f*** has put a tent up in my hotel room?
hehehehe!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1655  
Old 02-20-2016, 04:37 AM
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Default didn't see this one yet sorry if a repeat

what do you call an arab who owns a goat and a camel?.......bisexual



what do you call an arab who owns 6 goats?......a pimp



A man walks into an adult sex store and asks the clerk for an inflatable sex doll
clerk asks if he want a male or female doll
the man replies female
clerks asks man if he want a black or white doll
man replies white
clerk asks man if he wants a christian or muslim doll
man says what the f*~$ difference does the dolls religion make
clerk says well the muslim dolls blow themselves up

Last edited by 717; 02-20-2016 at 04:43 AM..
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  #1656  
Old 02-22-2016, 11:51 AM
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The beggars.

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland.

One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.

As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guys hat.

Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men.

He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
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  #1657  
Old 02-22-2016, 11:54 AM
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Come & get me!


Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.

"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"

"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."

Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and come and take me home."

"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."

"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.

"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter words were."


Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
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  #1658  
Old 03-01-2016, 12:15 PM
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hhehehehe!!! great jokes........and hello 717!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #1659  
Old 03-14-2016, 08:17 PM
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Yeah welcome to the thread, 717.

Good ones as usual WABA, the marketing one hits the sweet spot as Iv got an MBA in Marketing myself!
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #1660  
Old 04-24-2016, 12:23 AM
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Terrorism, High Alert Causing Me Problems


After hearing the news about possible terrorism attack and a high security alert I was a little nervous,

So when I was at the checkout, and ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note, so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff.

Last edited by WABA; 04-24-2016 at 12:26 AM..
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