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  #661  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
nope still seeing einstein but he's looking p!!ssed
You need to go further back then!

Only don't do it after half a bottle of whiskey or you might end up hanging down the balcony like me!
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #662  
Old 11-04-2011, 03:04 PM
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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #663  
Old 11-04-2011, 03:09 PM
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Hah that reminds me of this lad who goes home to his wife and says, you know rumour has it that the milkman has rogered every woman in our lane except one. Cor, says the wife, I bet its that stuck up little bimbette two doors down
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #664  
Old 11-04-2011, 05:29 PM
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #665  
Old 11-05-2011, 11:52 AM
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One for WABA, gi'day mayte

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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #666  
Old 11-06-2011, 11:53 PM
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The only thing embarrassing about the cartoon is that it is all true. LOL

In our defence at least our convict ancestors were sent out by some of the best and finest judges in England.
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  #667  
Old 11-07-2011, 01:51 AM
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Heh Heh, I'v found that apart from Pommys there is a friendly rivalry between Kiwis and Oz as well. Nothing frustrates a New Zealander more than an insistence on confusing him with his Aussie cousins persistently (well except taking his sheep away perhaps)
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #668  
Old 11-07-2011, 08:47 AM
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hehehe!!! me thinks ur jealous of our sheep loving ways!!!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #669  
Old 11-07-2011, 05:00 PM
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Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
hehehe!!! me thinks ur jealous of our sheep loving ways!!!!
To Quote Col. Kurtz, " The Horror! The Horror!"
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #670  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:04 PM
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here comes my crappy joke of the day......
the perils of speaking olde worlde english

Richard 111 was having a bad day, there he was in the middle of fighting the french when suddenly his horse goes down, shot by a french arrow. as if life wasn't bad enough! he'd been suffering from a bad head cold and his nose was blocked. Looking at the carnage on the battlefield he shouts out in sheer frustration:
'an horse! an horse! myne Kingdom for an horse!' suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder, turning around he saw a mass of chainmail and a horse hair cape staring at him-he realised that he was looking at the mid section of a warrior and slowly raised his eyes to see a giant bearded viking replete with a horned helmet giving him a big smile.
'errr, can i help thee...........sir?'
the viking replied
'ya! for sure! I hear you lookin for ze norse! com vis me big boy, i show you good time ya! you and me vis ze little man love ya!' at this the giant norseman dracked the unlucky king off to his ship for a little quiet time together. (no wonder Richard 111 went mad the poor man!!)
and the moral of the story is dont invade mainland europe, they're a weird bunch! and be careful what you say around norsemen!
and if this joke didn't make you die of boredom then you clearly haven't had enough of my jokes yet!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #671  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:06 PM
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The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #672  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:08 PM
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #673  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:20 PM
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*Groan*

I asked my G/F what she wants for her birthday and she said an expensive ring ....





So I'v decided to move to NZ and give her a call
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #674  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:21 PM
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and in honour of nicola sarkozy (gosh! did i spell his name wrong?)

Q: How do you say "Hello" in French?
A: I surrender!
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France?
A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
A. Don't know, it's never been tried.
Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?
A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. Their army.
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Nicolas Sarkozy.
Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.

In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from "Run" to "Hide". If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to "Surrender", or even as high as "Collaborate". ~ Jay Leno


A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.
Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.
George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

You are the President of the United States. Astronomers have spotted a meteor headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 am EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth.
France and the UN have requested that the US immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for US ships to appear on the horizon.
The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: (1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or (2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day?
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, '****' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #675  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
*Groan*

I asked my G/F what she wants for her birthday and she said an expensive ring ....





So I'v decided to move to NZ and give her a call

hehehehe!!! nice one
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #676  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:23 PM
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The only seat available on the train was next a well dressed middle-aged French woman and was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting opposite spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #677  
Old 11-09-2011, 04:18 PM
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So I walked into this store today and bought a couple of sixpacks, cigarettes, a Playboy, some juice, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a sandwich and a single serving frozen dinner. This cute chick at the checkout looks at me and says "Single are you?"

Wow, I asks her rather sarcastic like, "How did you guess, eh?"









"Because you're freaking ugly", she says
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #678  
Old 11-10-2011, 08:08 AM
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hehehehehe!!
a man walked into the chemist and asked the lady behind the counter for 15 packets of condoms please
the woman looked at the man startled and said F*ck me!!
ok said the man, better make that 16 packs!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #679  
Old 11-10-2011, 11:52 AM
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Heh, there was this surgeon sitting all despondent in his office, nurse comes in and asks, whats the matter, the surgeon says well, the patient I operated on at 11 this morning is dead....ummm, says the nurse, that was spsd to be a post mortem actually



....... the surgeon says oh crap, who was the patient I did a post mortem on after him then
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #680  
Old 11-10-2011, 12:44 PM
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hehe!
doctor hears a scream from behind the screen and so he runs in and takes a look and shouts 'no,no! nurse, i told you to ***** his boil!'
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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