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  #241  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:49 PM
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ADAM AND EVE MUSLIM STYLE
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GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS

FOR GOD AND ULSTER

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  #242  
Old 11-30-2010, 09:54 PM
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.


She writes:



Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection..

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
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  #243  
Old 12-01-2010, 02:45 AM
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THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
Cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.



For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
She would not recover.


In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
Down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
In the box. When he opened it, he found two knitted dolls
And a stack of money totaling $95,000.


He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
The secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that
If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and knit a doll.'


The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'


'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'




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  #244  
Old 12-01-2010, 09:54 AM
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brilliant posts WABA!!

how to love your husband

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
“What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man.
“We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once.” We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??”
She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”
“And from that moment… we have lived happily ever after together.”
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #245  
Old 12-14-2010, 10:37 PM
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New British Destroyer
Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyers.
Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.
They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.
Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation". His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"
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  #246  
Old 12-15-2010, 08:52 AM
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in the interest of fostering greater European collaboration the government of the Euro parliament has announced a new task force based on traditional European stereotypes. The new Euro navy will be able to call upon the aircraft carriers of all participating nations but will not actually have any fixed wing aircraft on board as the french have gone off to sulk as the carrier fleet will be based in Austria and the french have never forgiven them for the austro-prussian empire. The new rapid reaction battle group is to be commanded by the Italians and they have installed new gear boxes on their tanks, they will now have 2 forward gears and 5 reverse gears for a fast get away. The Spanish are to provide the bulk of the ground troops despite concerns that they will turn up a day later than expected. The Germans have been TOLD that they must provide logistical support for the armed forces but not actually do any fighting due to the fear that they may be good at it and thus try to invade some bugger! No-one knows the role of the lowlands countries as no-one cares what they think...unless of course their role is to be invaded. The British have decided not to take part and have taken their ball home as it their ball and they can if they want! They have also announced a new fleet of fixed wing fighter aircraft based on a navalised version of the eurofighter typhoon but have no carriers to put them on after donating the carriers to France to be used as new floating casinos. In other news, as the western world goes slightly mad the Chinese are preparing to take over the world, a move denied by the west who are still hoping to take the manopoly on the chow mein futures market.
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #247  
Old 12-20-2010, 11:58 PM
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hahaha
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  #248  
Old 01-11-2011, 02:17 PM
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good fun!!


trying to post liveleaks animal voice overs but it ain't happening like!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)

Last edited by janetnjohn; 01-11-2011 at 02:25 PM..
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  #249  
Old 01-11-2011, 02:49 PM
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Default Captain underpants: Agent of israel

This is as good a place as any

http://www.foreignpolicy.com/article...plots?page=0,4
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #250  
Old 01-12-2011, 05:11 PM
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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. By now the woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb....
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #251  
Old 01-13-2011, 04:39 AM
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.





"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."




(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are..)



Never take life too seriously!


Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!
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  #252  
Old 01-13-2011, 12:00 PM
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hehehehehheh...ahhhhhhh....HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA..
thanks WABA and Knaur, brilliant posts!! and yes I was looking hard at my thumb and yes I did sing the song!!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #253  
Old 01-13-2011, 04:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
nd yes I was looking hard at my thumb and yes I did sing the song!!!
Hah I did too when I first read it.
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #254  
Old 01-19-2011, 08:17 AM
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Australian Teens Rescued After Using Sex Doll as Raft

Jan 18, 2011 – 4:28 PM
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Ben Muessig Contributor

Thar she blows up!

A couple in Australia was rescued after attempting to float down a river near Melbourne on an inflatable sex doll.

The man and woman, both 19 years old, were drifting down the Yarra River in Victoria -- a state recently afflicted by severe flooding -- when the woman lost her grip on the sex toy in increasingly turbulent water on Sunday, according to The Daily Telegraph.
Wait, What?



An Australian couple found an exciting new use for a blow-up doll when they turned an inflatable sex toy into a raft. Unfortunately, the couple had to be rescued when the woman lost her grip on the doll in the rough waters of the Yarra River outside Melbourne on Jan. 16.


Wait, What?
An Australian couple found an exciting new use for a blow-up doll when they turned an inflatable sex toy into a raft. Unfortunately, the couple had to be rescued when the woman lost her grip on the doll in the rough waters of the Yarra River outside Melbourne on Jan. 16.
Newspix / Rex / Rex USA
Newspix / Rex / Rex USA


Wait, What?



The woman reportedly grabbed hold of a tree branch while the man shouted for help.

A passer-by alerted authorities, and a kayaker gave the couple life jackets before rescuers were able to bring them to the shore.

Neither the man nor the woman required medical attention, though police reportedly informed them that their blow-up toy was "not a recognized flotation device."

News of the blow-up doll raft rescue comes as Australia continues to grapple with catastrophic floods that have claimed at least 30 lives.


http://www.aolnews.com/2011/01/18/au...est=latestnews
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #255  
Old 01-19-2011, 06:22 PM
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Default National Responses to Terrorists Threats

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pis$ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone "just in case".

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
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The wisdom of the ancients has been taught by the philosophers of Greece, but also by people called Jews in Syria, and by Brahmins in India
-Megasthenes, Greek Ambassador to India, 300 BC

Why is it that on June 4th 1967 I was a Jordanian and overnight I became a Palestinian? - Walid Shoebat, PLO terrorist
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  #256  
Old 01-20-2011, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pis$ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone "just in case".

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
fantastic! that has really brightened my day!! thanks awfully old chap!! wot ho!! I'm off for a spot of tea and crumpets!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #257  
Old 01-26-2011, 03:12 AM
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funny! lol. that was good.
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  #258  
Old 01-26-2011, 03:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pis$ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone "just in case".

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
Priceless!! Best one I've heard in a while.

Poor France, everybody really picks on them!

Gotta love them Scots!

odie
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That might of been the sad end of the story. But Nemo refused to give in without a fight. Ignoring his serious head wound, the 85 pound dog threw himself at the Vietcong guerrillas who had opened fire. Nemo's ferocious attack brought Thorneburg the time he needed to call in backup forces.

Although severely wounded, Nemo crawled to his master and covered him with his body.
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  #259  
Old 01-26-2011, 03:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Knaur View Post
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. By now the woman has read this entire text. The man is still looking at his thumb....



odie
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That might of been the sad end of the story. But Nemo refused to give in without a fight. Ignoring his serious head wound, the 85 pound dog threw himself at the Vietcong guerrillas who had opened fire. Nemo's ferocious attack brought Thorneburg the time he needed to call in backup forces.

Although severely wounded, Nemo crawled to his master and covered him with his body.
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Old 01-26-2011, 01:18 PM
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ok here is a joke, not sure if you'll like it.

a woman answers an ad in her local paper for a parrot that needs a new home. when she goes to pick up the parrot she finds that the address is a local brothel, she walks in and and is met by the owner who invites her in to see the said parrot. the owner, a rather aggresive woman, warns her that the parrot has picked up some very strong bad lauguage from her customers. not worried in the least, the woman takes the parrot home and invites her friend around to see it. her friend walks in and immediately the parrot shouts 'cor love! show us yer knickers!' whilst the two friends are laughing at the parrot there is a knock at the door. in walks the gas engineer to read the gas meter, immediately the parrot shouts 'get stuffed big boy!' again the women break into fits of laughter. a bit later on the husband comes in from work and before his wife can tell him of her new pet the parrot quietly calls out 'hello dave, back again!'
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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