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  #161  
Old 07-21-2010, 10:29 AM
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just got these from an email!


And this, people, is an example of why no one wants to live in Memphis ..
Believe it or not
,
These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher
: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:
I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:
Do you have an address?
Caller:
No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher
: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller
: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher
: Excuse me?
Caller
: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher
: Was anything else taken?
Caller
: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Call er: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is.............


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
__________________
Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #162  
Old 07-22-2010, 01:08 AM
WABA WABA is online now
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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.


Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.


As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle..


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......


WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!


We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.


No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.


We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...



We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully'salways ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'



We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !



And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.





PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore



















Last edited by WABA; 07-22-2010 at 01:13 AM..
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  #163  
Old 07-22-2010, 05:00 AM
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Brilliant Waba, and I know this is a thread for 'funnies' but just a quick comment on your post. We had set bedtimes, we had parents that set boundaries, we had home-cooked food and we exercised. Those are what are lacking in today's society.
Ok, you all have permission again to post jokes!!!
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  #164  
Old 07-22-2010, 09:50 AM
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  #165  
Old 07-22-2010, 10:23 AM
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Default Moran unit Do the Soulja Boy dance IDF Style

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  #166  
Old 07-22-2010, 03:54 PM
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********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for


Blood plasma.

********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half


more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

************************************************** **************************
Donkeys kill more people annually


than plane crashes or shark attacks.

************************************************** **********************
You burn more calories sleeping


than you do watching television.

************************************************** ************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

************************************************** **************************
The first product to have a bar code


was Wrigley's gum.

************************************************** ***********************
The King of Hearts is the only king


WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

************************************************** *************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive


from each salad served in first-class.

************************************************** ************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.


(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)


************************************************** *******************
Apples, not caffeine,


are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from


DEAD SKIN !

************************************************** ********************** ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.


So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

************************************************** *************************
Walt Disney was afraid


OF MICE!

************************************************** ************************

PEARLS DISSOLVE


IN VINEGAR !
************************************************** *******************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:

Marlboro,
Coca Cola,and Budweiser,in that order.
************************************************** ********************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...


but, not downstairs.


************************************************** **********************

A duck's quack doesn't echo,


and no one knows why.

************************************************** **********************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.


(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

************************************************** *


And the best for last....


Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So.......................






Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......and go move your toothbrush !!!






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  #167  
Old 07-25-2010, 04:19 AM
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Subject: FW: THE BANANA TEST]








The Banana Test


There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,
.....AND...

A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . ..
Try and answer within 30 seconds.Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're dense.
Giraffe = you're a complete moron.
Squirrel = you're hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.



Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax

now hurry up and forward it to someone....

Last edited by WABA; 07-25-2010 at 04:22 AM..
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  #168  
Old 07-26-2010, 12:20 AM
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Once all the blond held a grand meeting to prove that the blonds are not stupid. They are also as smart as others. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blonds are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blond works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks him, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds he says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blonds start cheering, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, Uh, I guess we can give him another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened - the blonds starts crying and the 80,000 men begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”


The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance– What is 2 plus 2?”

The man closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 blonds jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
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The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


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  #169  
Old 07-26-2010, 12:30 AM
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


Today its a new beginning!
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  #170  
Old 07-26-2010, 12:38 AM
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


Today its a new beginning!
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  #171  
Old 07-26-2010, 12:48 AM
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


Today its a new beginning!
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  #172  
Old 07-26-2010, 01:29 AM
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Wife :'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband:'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________

Wife:'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'


Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned'

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  #173  
Old 07-26-2010, 07:17 AM
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


Today its a new beginning!
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  #174  
Old 07-26-2010, 08:57 AM
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This *****ole is talking out of his ********, and obviously has not a clue about anatomy.

And what about the 1 min 17 sec point re honour killings - against the law of sharia, but families still do it.

Islamisation certainly is a bit topsy turvy.
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  #175  
Old 07-26-2010, 09:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forums_Addict View Post
This *****ole is talking out of his ********, and obviously has not a clue about anatomy.

And what about the 1 min 17 sec point re honour killings - against the law of sharia, but families still do it.

Islamisation certainly is a bit topsy turvy.
Thats is why this post is in the "very funny" section!
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


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  #176  
Old 07-26-2010, 09:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cute_assassin View Post
Thats is why this post is in the "very funny" section!
Ahh ok!
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  #177  
Old 07-26-2010, 10:29 AM
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Didn't play the video (not yet anyway!) but had to post a comment! why worry about masturbation when they're all a bunch of wa^£ers anyway!! sorry and apologies to all...especially the mods! but i couldn't miss that chance!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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  #178  
Old 07-26-2010, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janetnjohn View Post
Didn't play the video (not yet anyway!) but had to post a comment! why worry about masturbation when they're all a bunch of wa^£ers anyway!! sorry and apologies to all...especially the mods! but i couldn't miss that chance!
Lol, good one!!!

This guy, the witness, seems rather strange!
April 2010. After several Kiryat Yam residents reported they saw a mermaid, the mayor decided to offer a $1 million reward to anyone offering "unbreakable proof" of her existence.

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  #179  
Old 07-26-2010, 10:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forums_Addict View Post
Lol, good one!!!

This guy, the witness, seems rather strange!
April 2010. After several Kiryat Yam residents reported they saw a mermaid, the mayor decided to offer a $1 million reward to anyone offering "unbreakable proof" of her existence.

1:32 our mayor was in the United States for tooo looong!! EPIC!
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Those who can give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety. - Ben Franklin

The basic test of freedom is perhaps less in what we are free to do than in what we are free not to do. It is the freedom to refrain, withdraw and abstain which makes a totalitarian regime impossible. - Eric Hoffer


Today its a new beginning!
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  #180  
Old 07-26-2010, 01:36 PM
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i've seen a lot of videos on youtube about 'real' mermaids but frankly I'll keep thinking this is pants until one of them comes up and slaps me on the cheek whilst at the beach!!
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Passage Isaiah 62

I have set watchmen upon thy walls, O Jerusalem, which shall never hold their peace day nor night: ye that make mention of the LORD, keep not silence,


"I ask then, has God rejected His people? By no means! God has not rejected His people whom He foreknew. For the gifts and call of God are irrevocable."
(Romans 11:1,2,29)
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